This morning while I was putting socks together my 3-year old daughter sat on my lap and said "I miss you so much mommy". To myself of course I was thinking that I never left her. So in an effort to be nurturing and not condescending to my child I simply said that I missed her too. After a few minutes I thought about what she said and then it hit me, while she may not have truly understood what she said for a 3-year old it was very profound. It made me think about the movie Marley& Me and in the movie John and Jenny Grogan took a trip to Ireland to getaway. There was a scene in the movie where they were together on the bed in their bed & breakfast room and they talk about being intimate for the first time after the miscarriage. In the movie John (played by Owen Wilson) looks at his wife Jenny (played by Jennifer Aniston) and he said: "Hunny, I missed you". He wasn't talking about them being away as in distance, but he was talking about them not sharing every aspect of their life together like they used to. Then I realized, you know what, I sometimes really miss me to. I do not miss everything about myself that I used to be, but there are some things that I miss.
I miss the fact that I used to be annoyingly anal when it comes to details, organizing, and neatness. I miss the fact that I used to have an idea for a project, task, or activity and then plan it out and follow-through with it until it is complete. I miss the fact that I used to do more than just hang around the house; even if it was a quick trip to the store. I miss the fact that I used to dream about what I really wanted and think about how I could get it. I miss being a real go getter. But, most of all sometimes I just miss me.
In order to miss yourself then you have to know a little bit about who you are as a person. Who am I? I am a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, a niece, a grand-daughter, an in-law, a Soror, a friend, a teacher, a doctor, a mediator, a writer, a craft enthusiast, a graduate student, a creative genius, a poet, a lover of nature, a wanna be amateur photographer, and so much more! There are many parts to me and while many of those parts are still visible, some are not. I must reclaim myself in the name of Joanne Marie Gambles. I must not only recapture who I was that I still want to be, but I must also shed the parts of me that no longer matter anymore. I must start dreaming about the future again and plot out a path to get there. Bottom line, I just need to be me; whoever that is. You may like me, you may love me, you may hate me, and it's possible you may even despise me. But I will be me. I do not want to miss being me and in turn miss out on the blessings that are waiting for me to claim. I want to be the woman God intended for me to be and no longer miss me!!
